I recently had a breakup, frankly, I got dumped and the weird part is I don’t get why? I have been seeing this guy for some time, did go out on a few dates to the football tournament, paintball fight, and to the bowling alley. Everything was going cool. Then suddenly, last Sunday, he left me a note saying “Bye bye Pal. It was great chilling with you” A note! I got dumped over a note!
When I told this to my friends, they cried more than I did. They offered me tons of ice creams and wanted to take me out for a makeover. I didn’t really get why? I mean, how is a breakup, related to food craving and styling? But anyway, I pulled up and got back to life. The old action movies, and PUBG, ordering food for the night and all, until recently something struck me.
The other day I was walking down the park and chanced upon a couple. Their conversation startled me. Let me give you a slice of what I heard:
Boy” Blah blah blah, kiss my butt”
Girl: Of course honey”
Now, I may have missed out some parts of the conversation since I was at a distance, but the couple seemed really happy. The curious Nemo that I am, I went to them and said that they make a cute couple. The girl replied by saying “Thank you. It is just our second date”. The guy, however, seemed a little odd when he
Of course, his reply startled me, so I left. I mean he is on his second date with the girl and he says I am hot, in front of her! Oh, that’s cool if you want to flirt, but a little discreet man! As I was taking the turn, the girl came running to me.
She was slightly out of breath and started off by saying “Don’t mind Dave, he didn’t mean what he said” My reply was like stating the obvious, “Then why did he say it”.
I girl looked visibly happy and took me
It then occurred to me that, this perhaps might be the reason of my breakup. So I asked “ How do you know what they mean then? The girl took out a small phone like device from her bag and gave it to me. “This is a boyfriend translator. An easy portable device for women like us to understand what these male packs of meat say. When he said
She asked me to get one for myself, and I did, and life had never been this easy! I have been on fifteen dates since then! I carry it in my purse every day, it really does make life easy.
The other day the Ice-cream man down the road told me “You look blue and cold”. At first, I thought he is saying that I looked like the walking dead, and I swear I would have stopped visiting him if that was true. But thanks to my ‘Boyfriend Translator’ I came to know that he meant “You look as pretty as my blueberry ice cream’’. Well, that is not the right kind of pretty, but the man sells ice-cream so I will take it.
The Boyfriend Translator is really easy to use. I just keep it on the table during the dates and it sends me the coded meaning of what the guy said on my phone!
Thanks to this device I know that men really don’t like to lose at sports to a girl. So when the guy said “ I will love to see you win”, he clearly meant “If you win, this date is over”. So, even though I am good at football, I flopped there like a lump of fat and ended up falling near the goal post. Well, we ended up kissing and I got a second date with him!!
I have learned a lot of things about men over the past few days! Firstly, they don’t like girls wearing makeup, but they will complain if you don’t put on any. A guy with whom I went on a date last week did not like makeup, he mentioned this on his dating profile. So I went makeup-less and he said “ Wow, that is so natural” but he meant “Oh God You look like the walking dead”
Another guy asked me “how many men have you dated so far. I am sure you have broken a few hearts.” When I was about to answer, something odd happened. My Boyfriend Translator started vibrating like crazy and turned all red! The message read “Male Ego” in big red letters.
I didn’t know what to tell him since my device had gone bonkers suddenly. So I smiled and sipped on my drink, and ended up saying “none so far”. The machine calmed down, and a thumbs-up appeared on the screen, with a message “he now thinks that you are lame, and thus a keeper”.
Going on dates have become a cakewalk for me these days. I just know what to wear, what to say and what to do. But it also has its issues. According to the machine, men like to hang around with “Barbie dolls” even if they say “ I like it natural, simple and cute”. Surprisingly, you just cannot go on a date dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie. That is for the guy to wear. As a woman, you have to dress in something that is tight enough to break your rib cage. Something that makes you utterly uncomfortable around the waist.
There are rules around food too. The girl showed not eat! So if you are hungry, excuse yourself to the washroom and drink toilet water! Of course, your clothes can be your friend in this situation, with that belt so tightly entangled around your waist, all you can feel is excruciating pain, and nothing else. You are only to play with your food on the plate. Guys find that appealing.
Finally comes to paying for the food. This is the only time that guys believe in equality. So even if you have had a small plate of salad and still could not finish that due to your ever-tightening belt, and the guy has had two pizzas, one plate of pasta, two beef steaks, a newborn baby and most of the furniture in the restaurant, you are to split it two way.
Seriously, dating is a fulltime job. But if you are doing it with the help of a ‘Boyfriend Translator’ by you, your success is assured.